The Pamphleteer

During colonial times in America, if you wanted to convince or inform people about some issue that you considered important, you went to the local printer and got some pamphlets printed. You then handed them out, read them to anybody that was interested, nailed them to the town bulletin board, or the nearest tree. The first amendment was specifically written to protect this type of activity and the writers or "pamphleteers".

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Saturday, December 31, 2005
 
THANK YOU...............


(From Greta, our correspondent in Astoria.)


I want to thank all of you who have taken the time and trouble to
send me your damn chain letters over the past few years. Yes, thank you,
thank you, thank you from the bottom of what's left of my heart for making
me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy.

Because of your concern...I no longer can drink Coca Cola because
it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer drink Pepsi or DR Pepper since the people who make
these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their
cans.

I no longer drink anything out of a can because I will get sick
from the rat feces and urine.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes
cancer.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be
pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like
a water buffalo on a hot day.

I no longer use margarine because it's one molecule away from being
plastic.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with
a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are
actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a
stupid number for which I will get the phone bill from hell with calls to
Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible
mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer date the opposite sex because they will take my kidneys
and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now
have their recipe.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels
looking out for me and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I
forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five
minutes. (Geez, the BIBLE did not mention it works that way!)

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who
is about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time).

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I
receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating
in their special e-mail program.

Yes, I want to thank all of you soooooooo much for looking out for me!

I will now return the favor.

If you don't send this email to at least 1200 people in the next 60
seconds, a large bird with diarrhea will crap on your head at 5:00
PM this afternoon and the fleas of a thousand camels will infest your
armpits. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of a
friend of a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend of my
next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's 8th husband's 2nd cousin's 3rd
husband's ex-wife's mother's beautician!


.

posted by Patrick at Saturday, December 31, 2005

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