The Pamphleteer

During colonial times in America, if you wanted to convince or inform people about some issue that you considered important, you went to the local printer and got some pamphlets printed. You then handed them out, read them to anybody that was interested, nailed them to the town bulletin board, or the nearest tree. The first amendment was specifically written to protect this type of activity and the writers or "pamphleteers".

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Sunday, December 18, 2005
 
Holiday Party


(From Pamela, our correspondent in Bay Ridge.)

To: undisclosed-recipients:
Sent: Friday, December 02, 2005 8:00 AM
Subject: Holiday party


December 1st

TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. There will be lots of spiked eggnog and a small band playing traditional carols ...

Feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus to light the Christmas tree!

Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.

Merry Christmas to you and your family.

Patty Lewis

Human Resources Director

------------------------------------------------------------------------

December 2nd

TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.
We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday that often coincides
with Christmas (though unfortunately not this year).

However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party."? The same
policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time.

There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols sung.

Happy Holidays to you and your family.

Patty Lewis

Human Resources Director

----------------------------------------------------------------------

December 3rd

TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

Regarding the anonymous note I received from a member of Alcoholics
Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, I'm happy to accommodate this
request, but, don't forget, if I put a sign on the able that reads, "AA
Only," you won't be anonymous anymore. In addition, forget about the gifts
exchange-- no gifts will be allowed since? The union members feel that $10
is too much money.

Patty Lewis

Human Researchers Director

--------------------------------------------------------------------

December 7th

TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the
dessert buffet and pregnant women closest to the restrooms. Gays are
allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with the gay
men; each will have their own table.

Yes, there will be a flower arrangement for the gay men's table.

Happy now?

Patty Lewis

Human Racehorses Director

--------------------------------------------------------------------

December 9th

TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

People, people -- nothing sinister was intended by wanting our CEO to play
Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan,"
there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit."

Patty Lewis

Human Ratraces

----------------------------------------------------------------------

December 10th

TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

Vegetarians -- I've had it with you people!! We're going to hold this
party at Luigi's Open Pit whether you like it or not, you can just sit at
the table farthest from the "grill of death," as you put it, and you'll
get salad bar only, including hydroponic tomatoes.?

But, you know, tomatoes have feelings, too.? They scream when you
slice them. I've heard them scream.? I'm hearing them right now... Ha!

I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die, you hear me?

The Bitch from Hell

-------------------------------------------------------------------

December 14th

TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery
from her stress-related illness.? I'll continue to forward your cards to
her at the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel
our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with
full pay.

Terri Bishop

Acting Human Resources Director


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