The Pamphleteer

During colonial times in America, if you wanted to convince or inform people about some issue that you considered important, you went to the local printer and got some pamphlets printed. You then handed them out, read them to anybody that was interested, nailed them to the town bulletin board, or the nearest tree. The first amendment was specifically written to protect this type of activity and the writers or "pamphleteers".

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Wednesday, August 25, 2004
What If George Patton were President?

(From Pamela, our correspondent in Bay Ridge.)

If General George Patton were alive and President of the USA,

This would be his Fireside Speech:

My fellow Americans:

As you all know, the defeat of Iraq's regime has been completed.

Since congress does not want to spend any more money on this war, our mission in
Iraq is complete. This morning I gave the order for a complete removal of all
American forces from Iraq.

This action will be complete within 30 days. It is now time to begin the

Before me, I have two lists. One list contains the names of countries which have
stood by our side during the Iraq conflict. This list is short.

The United Kingdom, Spain, Bulgaria, Australia, Norway and Poland are some of
the countries listed there.

The other list contains everyone not on the first list. Most of the world's
nations are on that list.

My press secretary will be distributing copies of both lists later this evening.

Let me start by saying that effective immediately, foreign aid to those nations
on List 2 ceases immediately and indefinitely. The money saved during the first
year alone will pretty much pay for the costs of the Iraqi war.

The American people are no longer going to pour money into third world
hell-holes and watch those government leaders grow fat on corruption.

Need help with a famine? Wrestling with an epidemic? Call France.

In the future, together with Congress, I will work to cut taxes and solve some
local problems.

On that note, a word to terrorist organizations. Screw with us and we will hunt
you down and eliminate you and all your friends from the face of the earth.

Thirsting for a gutsy country to terrorize?

Try France, or maybe China.

To Israel and the Palestinian Authority. You boys, work out a peace deal now.
Just note that Camp David is closed. Maybe all of you can go to Russia for
negotiations. They have some great palaces there. Big tables, too.

I'm ordering the immediate severing of diplomatic relations with France,
Germany, and Russia. Thanks for all your help, comrades. We are retiring from
NATO as well. Bon chance, mon amis.

I have instructed the Mayor of New York City to begin towing the many UN
diplomatic vehicles located in Manhattan with more than two unpaid tickets to
sites where those vehicles will be stripped, shredded and crushed. I don't care
about whatever treaty pertains to this. Pay your tickets tomorrow or watch your
precious Benzes, Beamers, and limos be turned over to some of the finest chop
shops in the world.

I love New York.

A special note to our neighbors. Canada is on List 2. Since we are going to be
seeing a lot more of each other, you folks might want to try not pissing us off
for a change.

Mexico is also on List 2. President Fox and his entire corrupt government really
need an attitude adjustment. I have a couple of extra tank and infantry
divisions sitting around. Guess where I'm gonna put 'em? Yep, border security.
So start doing something with your oil.

Oh, by the way, the United States is abrogating the NAFTA treaty--starting now.

It is time for America to focus on its own welfare and its own citizens.

Some will accuse us of isolationism.

I answer them by saying darn tootin'.

Nearly a century of trying to help folks live a decent life around the world has
only earned us the undying enmity of just about everyone on the planet. It is
time to cut taxes here because we will not be spending on other peoples

To the nations on List 1, a final thought. Thanks guys. We owe you.

To the nations on List 2, a final thought. Drop dead.

God bless America.

Thank you and good night.