The Pamphleteer

During colonial times in America, if you wanted to convince or inform people about some issue that you considered important, you went to the local printer and got some pamphlets printed. You then handed them out, read them to anybody that was interested, nailed them to the town bulletin board, or the nearest tree. The first amendment was specifically written to protect this type of activity and the writers or "pamphleteers".

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Saturday, December 09, 2006
US Citizenship

(From Hugh, our correspondent on the Lower East Side.)

Editor's Note: This letter has the sound and feel of an urban legend but it's fun.

Becoming Illegal (From a Maryland resident to his senator)

The Honorable Paul S. Sarbanes
Senate Office Building
309 Hart
Washington DC, 20510

Dear Senator Sarbanes,

As a native Marylander and excellent customer of the Internal

Revenue Service, I am writing to ask for your assistance. I have

contacted the Department of Homeland Security in an effort to

determine the process for becoming an illegal alien and they

referred me to you.

My primary reason for wishing to change my status from U.S. Citizen

to illegal alien stem from the bill which was recently passed by

the Senate and for which you voted. If my understanding of this

bill's provisions is accurate, as an illegal alien who has been in

the United States for five years, all I need to do to become a

citizen is to pay a $2,000 fine and income taxes for three of the

last five years. I know a good deal when I see one and I am anxious

to get the process started before everyone figures it out.

Simply put, those of us who have been here legally have had to pay

taxes every year so I'm excited about the prospect of avoiding two

years of taxes in return for paying a $2,000 fine. Is there any way

that I can apply to be illegal retroactively? This would yield an

excellent result for me and my family because we paid heavy taxes

in 2004 and 2005.

Additionally, as an illegal alien I could begin using the local

emergency room as my primary health care provider. Once I have

stopped paying premiums for medical insurance, my accountant

figures I could save almost $10,000 a year. Another benefit in

gaining illegal status would be that my daughter would receive

preferential treatment relative to her law school applications, as

well as "in-state" tuition rates for many colleges throughout the

United States for my son.

Lastly, I understand that illegal status would relieve me of the

burden of renewing my driver's license and making those burdensome

car insurance premiums. This is very important to me given that I

still have college age children driving my car.

If you would provide me with an outline of the process to become

illegal (retroactively if possible) and copies of the necessary

forms, I would be most appreciative. Thank you for your assistance.

Your Loyal Constituent,

Pete McGlaughlin

Get your Forms (NOW)!! Call your Internal Revenue Service


Please pass this onto your friends so they can save on this great