The Pamphleteer

During colonial times in America, if you wanted to convince or inform people about some issue that you considered important, you went to the local printer and got some pamphlets printed. You then handed them out, read them to anybody that was interested, nailed them to the town bulletin board, or the nearest tree. The first amendment was specifically written to protect this type of activity and the writers or "pamphleteers".

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Saturday, September 09, 2006
Long Island Barbies

(From Pamela, our correpsondent in Bay Ridge.)

For anyone who is from LI, has visited, or just curious.... These are pretty
accurate portrayals.


Mattel recently announced the release of Limited Edition Barbie dolls for
the Long Island market: (this is Suffolk County Version)


Patchogue Barbie - This modern day retro Barbie comes with 2 teeth, acid
washed jeans, leg warmers, white Reeboks, feathered hair & a double ring
belt (yes, it is 2004). She also comes with Ken, her brother/boyfriend,
complete with house arrest bracelet & Dodge Neon. Parole officer sold

Brentwood Barbie - This spanish speaking only Barbie comes with a 1984
Toyota with expired temporary plates & 4 baby Barbies in the backseat (no
car seats). The optional Ken doll comes with a paint bucket lunch pail & is
missing 3 fingers on his left hand. Green cards are not available for
Brentwood Barbie or Ken.

Wyandanch Barbie - This Barbie comes with hoop earrings, hair weave, food
stamps, a bus pass, a search warrant, & a court date. She also comes with 3
babies & 3 different Ken's (Baby's Daddies). Each Ken comes with his own bag
of weed (sold separately & on a street corner).

Nisseqogue/Bell Terre Barbie - This princess Barbie is only sold at Saks
Fifth Avenue. She comes with an assortment of Coach handbags, a Lexus SUV, a
long-haired dog named Honey, & a 3500-square foot house. Available with or
without tummy tuck & face lift. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with
"augmented" version.

Selden Barbie - This modern day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford
Windstar minivan & matching gym outfit. She gets lost easily & has no full
time occupation or secondary education. Traffic jamming cell phone included,
headset sold separately.

Hampton Bays Barbie - This recently paroled former "Porn Actress"
Barbie comes with a Chevy with dark tinted windows, & a meth-lab kit. This model is
only available after dark & can only be paid for in cash. Preferably small,
untraceable bills. Unless you are a cop, then we don't know what you are
talking about.

Setauket Barbie - This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW
convertible or Hummer H2. Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card, &
country club membership. Also available for this set are Shallow Ken &
Private School Skipper. You won't be able to afford any of them.

Riverhead Barbie - This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans 2 sizes too small, a NASCAR shirt, & Tweety Bird tattoo on her shoulder. She
has a six-pack of Coors Light & a Hank Williams, Jr. CD set. She can spit
over 5' & kick mullet-haired Ken's ass when she is drunk. Purchase her
pickup truck separately & get a Confederate Flag bumper sticker absolutely

Port Jefferson Barbie - This collagen injected, rhinoplastic Barbie wears a
leopard print bikini outfit & drinks cosmopolitans while entertaining
friends at the McMansion. Percocet prescription available.

Ronkonkoma Barbie - This tobacco chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased
Beer-Gut Ken out of Bristol Barbie's house. Her ensemble includes low-rise
acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, & a see-through halter top. Also
available with a mobile home.

Huntington Barbie - This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long straight
brown hair, archless feet, hairy armpits, no makeup, & Birkenstocks with
white socks. She prefers that you call her "Willow". She does not want
or need a Ken doll, but if you purchase 2 Huntington Barbies & the optional
Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow flag sticker for free.

Deer Park Barbie - This Italian Princess Barbie comes with teased black
hair, 12 gold chains, 7 gold bracelets, 8 rings & 1 ankle bracelet. Included
are a permanently attached cell phone & a black Monte Carlo with ILUVTONY
license plates. The accompanying Ken doll has been replaced with a black
haired Tony doll with hairy chest & gel/hairdryer kit.

Fire Island Barbie - Used to be Fire Island Ken, but got a sex change