The Pamphleteer

During colonial times in America, if you wanted to convince or inform people about some issue that you considered important, you went to the local printer and got some pamphlets printed. You then handed them out, read them to anybody that was interested, nailed them to the town bulletin board, or the nearest tree. The first amendment was specifically written to protect this type of activity and the writers or "pamphleteers".

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Sunday, September 19, 2004
 
IMPORTANT KERRY-EDWARDS CAMPAIGN DOCUMENT

(From Gene, our correspondent in Washington Hieghts)

Proposed Phone Answering Tree Transcript

Hello, you have reached Kerry-Edwards Campaign, the only poll that counts is on Election Day!

If you are obsessive-compulsive press 1 repeatedly

If you are co-dependant, please ask someone else to press 2 for you

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 & 6

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, please stay on the line so we can trace your call and persecute you.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mothership.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are a manic depressive, press whichever number you like, no-one will answer you.

If you are dyslexic, press 69696969696969696969696.

If you have amnesia, press 8, followed by your date of birth, your social security number, home phone number, the square root of 1,555,666,777,888 and, your tax code followed by the atomic number for Uranium.

If you have post traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.

If you have BI-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep, or before the beep, for god's sake wait for the beep.

If you suffer from short term memory loss, press 9.

If you suffer from short term memory loss, press 9.

If you suffer from short term memory loss, press 9.

If you suffer from short term memory loss, press 9.

If you suffer from short term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self esteem, go away, no one can be bothered to talk to you anyway.